i do believe...

funny thing...

So I kind of stopped coming here. It wasn’t that I stopped cold turkey, it’s just, as the days progressed, I seemed to forget about this more and more, until I just realized I hadn’t been on in ages. You see, I created, I originally created this because I had a broken heart. In all honesty, it wasn’t so much a broken heart, but a wounded one. This girl, this amazing girl I was into, reazlied she wasn’t as gay as she thought and began going out with this fellow. And it stung, stung like nothing I’d ever felt. No girl, boy, person had wounded me in such a fashion. And I guess, after looking on a few sites, I felt this weird connection to things that wer gorgeous, but broke my heart It was all kinds of fluid emotions running in and out. The beauty in that which was broken kind of just called to me. My hearts no longer broken and the broken beauty I see here kind of gets to me, I guess…

thinking, thinking, thinking

It’s late and the only sounds I hear are the whirling of the fan and the haunting of Cat Power. I probably should have headed to bed already but my heart hangs low and my mind lingers on any kind of subject that brings out this pain. It’s deep, with every beat, it feels like the pain only seeps further into me; penetrating the bone, flowing through the blood, cutting the muscle. I’m quite sure it’ll go beyond my heart and make it’s way to my soul. A little piece, chipping away. Maybe, maybe when my heart and head are done dismantling these emotions a stronger version of myself will awaken, but I’m not sure when that’ll happen.

I’m not sure when the chance of meeting you will occur, but I hope it’s soon and I hope that my heart will beat brightly when we do. The prospect of walking around town together, dragging you to Target just because, grabbing your hand and just holding on excites me; and the new me slowly growing out from this layer that has incapacitated me seems promising. Understand that my life isn’t revolving around this moment, this truth we’ll know and understand, it just seems like the bonus prize one gets from life.

Life is so daunting, there are so many levels. Honestly, I feel like Mario and your the princess. Instead of getting kidnapped, why not just grab my hand and we’ll figure a way to break though the damn game. Just let me listen to your heartbeat when we’re in bed. Watch “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” together and revel at the idea that no matter what, even if we forgot about each other, our hearts or souls or whatever it is that runs our emotion will recognize whatever it is it needs for us to be together. There’s so much we could do, experience that it seems a pity we seem to be lost to each other.

I’ve been so busy living, I forgot this existed.

I’m just so tired.